Our Practices
Foundational practices for embodying and expressing The Experience of We
Assuming and Embodying Positive Regard Together
A quick start guide
Think about the people in your life who made you feel safe to be imperfect.
Not the people who approved of everything you did.
The people who, even when you made mistakes, even when they were frustrated or disappointed, never made you feel like your fundamental worth was in question. You could fail in front of them. You could be wrong. You could struggle. And something about how they held you said: You are still worthy. You still belong here.
Now think about the opposite.
Someone whose regard for you depended on your performance. When you were good enough, smart enough, agreeable enough, the warmth was there. When you fell short, it vanished. You could feel it in your body. The constant monitoring. The performance anxiety. The exhaustion of earning your place, over and over, never quite sure if you'd secured it.
Positive regard is the difference between these two experiences. It's the orientation of holding someone as fundamentally worthy, not because they've earned it, but because they exist.
It doesn't mean approving of everything. It means separating who someone is from what they do, and never putting their essential worthiness on trial.
When positive regard is present, vulnerability becomes possible. Feedback becomes bearable. Growth has room to happen. When it's absent, everything feels like a test.
One practice to try
Think of a person in your life who’s open to experimentation, and invite them into trying something new with you.
Assume good intent
The next time your companion does something that bothers you, pause before assigning a motive.
Notice the story you’re telling yourself. "They did this because they don't care." "They're being selfish." "They should know better." Notice the interpretation forming.
Ask yourself: what’s the most generous reading. Maybe they're tired. Maybe they didn't realize. Maybe they were doing their best with what they had in that moment.
Voice the generous interpretation. "I'm assuming you didn't mean to hurt me with that." Or simply say: "Help me understand what was happening for you.”
Notice the difference. In your body, in the conversation, in what becomes possible when you start from "they're doing their best" instead of "they're failing me."
One moment of choosing the generous lens. That's all. Not naive. Not ignoring real problems. Just starting from worth instead of judgment, and seeing what opens.
The full guide, Assuming and Embodying Positive Regard Together, has seven practices for building and maintaining unconditional regard: separating being from doing, examining when regard has become conditional, repairing regard when it's been damaged, and more. It also explores what erodes regard (contempt, accumulated resentment, chronic disappointment) and how to restore it honestly.
Positive regard is the foundation everything else is built on. If that one moment of assuming good intent changed the texture of the interaction, imagine what sustained practice makes possible.
If this resonates, we recommend trying …
Acknowledging and Affirming Together
Co-creating Trust Together
Practicing Love Together
