Our Practices
Foundational practices for embodying and expressing The Experience of We
Exploring Our Shadows Together
A quick start guide
There are parts of us we don't want to see.
The flash of rage that seems to come from nowhere. The shame that floods us before we can think. The pattern we swore we'd never repeat, repeating. The thing we see so clearly in the other person that we can't see in ourselves.
These are our shadows. The parts of us that were separated from conscious awareness because, at some point, they weren't safe to hold. Emotions we weren't allowed to feel. Needs we learned to deny. Truths about ourselves that the people around us couldn't tolerate. So we put them away. Not gone, just hidden. Out of sight, still running.
Relationships bring shadows to the surface. Intimacy creates the exact conditions where what we've hidden can no longer stay hidden. This is uncomfortable. And it's one of the most important things a relationship can do for us.
One practice to try
Think of a person in your life who’s open to experimentation, and invite them into trying something new with you.
The mirror question
When something about your companion's behavior bothers you disproportionately, pause before addressing it outward. Ask yourself one question: Is there something of mine in this?
Notice the charge. Not just mild irritation. The things that really get to you. The qualities you can't stand. The reactions that feel bigger than the situation warrants.
Ask: “Do I carry any version of this in myself?” The thing I criticize in them, do I do it too? In a different form? In a hidden way?
Be honest with yourself. Shadow lives in the places we don't want to look. If the question makes you defensive, that's often a signal.
If you find something, name it. To yourself first. Then, if you're ready, to your companion. "I'm realizing that the thing that bothers me in you is something I carry too."
Hold it with compassion. Shadow isn't shameful. It's unintegrated information. Finding it is not failure. It's the beginning of freedom.
One honest look in the mirror. That's where shadow work begins.
The full guide, Exploring Our Shadows Together, has several practices for meeting what we disown in the safety of a relational container:
Recognizing shadow signals
Exploring projections
Distinguishing yours from theirs
Beginning to integrate what's been hidden
And more
It also approaches shadow as unintegrated information in the relational system, grounded in embodied experience, and emphasizes doing this work with care, pacing, and respect for what it asks of both people.
What we can't see still runs us. Let us learn to look, together.
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