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Creating a common language base for relationships
Misattunement
We experience misattunement when our signals, timing, or responses don’t land as intended — causing connection to feel strained, confusing, or out of sync.
Misattunement doesn’t mean harm was intended or that anyone failed. It means that what was offered and what was needed didn’t align in that moment.
In The Experience of We, misattunement is understood as a normal feature of real relationship.
What misattunement actually is
Misattunement arises when:
Signals are interpreted differently than intended or felt
Timing is off — too much, too soon, or too late
Nervous systems are in different states
Context or capacity is misread
Care is offered in a form that doesn’t meet the need
Misattunement is about fit, not fault.
How misattunement feels
When misattunement occurs, people may feel:
Unseen or misunderstood
Confused about what just happened
Slightly unsafe or unsettled
Disappointed or withdrawn without knowing why
Misattunement often feels like: “We missed each other.”
Misattunement is not rupture
Misattunement does not automatically cause a rupture.
Many misattunements are small and momentary.
What determines impact is:
Whether we notice the misattunement
Whether we can name it together
Whether we can adjust or repair when it happens
Unaddressed misattunements can accumulate and lead to rupture over time.
Misattunement is inevitable in living systems
No two nervous systems are perfectly synchronized.
Misattunement is inevitable because:
People have different histories and sensitivities
Everyone’s capacity fluctuates
Stress affects our perception and timing
Meaning is interpreted through context
We’re not trying to achieve perfect attunement — the focus is recovering from misattunement together.
Misattunement within We Space
In a We Space, misattunement is:
Expected rather than hidden
Treated as information, not failure
Met with curiosity rather than defensiveness
Used to recalibrate connection
When misattunement can be named safely, trust deepens rather than erodes.
Misattunement and repair
Misattunement can impact our relationships when:
It’s ignored or minimized
Signals of strain are dismissed
Power differences prevent us from naming it
Repair isn’t possible
When we acknowledge it early, we can usually resolve misattunement with small adjustments — restoring coherence without drama.
Why misattunement matters in The Experience of We
We name misattunement because:
It reduces unnecessary blame and shame
It helps distinguish signal mismatch from harm
It allows repair before rupture
It supports resilience in real relationships
Misattunement isn’t the problem. Unmet misattunement is.
Our one-sentence synthesis
We experience misattunement as a mismatch in signals, timing, or response that causes connection to feel out of sync — not because anyone failed, but because alignment was momentarily lost.
