Our Practices
Foundational practices for embodying and expressing The Experience of We
Developing Shared Values Together
A quick start guide
You've experienced this dissonance before.
Not this exact one, but this shape. You both listened. You both shared honestly. You understand each other's positions. And the path forward still isn't clear, because the disagreement isn't really about this specific issue. It's about something deeper. You're oriented toward different things. You're prioritizing from different places. And no amount of understanding can resolve what is, underneath it all, a question of what matters most.
Most relationships operate on assumed shared values. We never discuss them. We just believe we agree. And then a real choice arrives and we discover the gap. For one of us, honesty means full disclosure. For the other, it means not lying, but some things are private. For one, loyalty means the relationship comes first. For the other, loyalty means telling the truth even when it's uncomfortable. We assumed alignment. We never checked.
Shared values are not something we discover ready-made. They are something we build. Through honest conversation about what each of us holds dear. Where those commitments align. Where they genuinely diverge. And what we choose, together, to place at the center. Not a rule book. A compass.
One practice to try
Think of a person in your life who’s open to experimentation, and invite them into trying something new with you.
The three values conversation
Set aside twenty minutes. Sit together without distractions.
You each name your top three values. Independently, without consulting each other, each write down the three values most important to you right now. Not what you think you should value. What you actually organize your life around. Look at your behavior for clues: what do you fight for? What do you sacrifice for? What can't you tolerate?
Share what you found. Take turns reading your three. Don't explain or defend yet. Just name them.
Notice where your values overlap. Where do your values naturally align? Name those out loud: "We both hold honesty." "We both value growth." These natural alignments are the foundation of your shared compass.
Get curious about the differences. Where your values diverge, don't panic. Ask: "Tell me why this matters so deeply to you." "What would it cost you to let this go?" Understanding the weight behind the value matters more than the label.
Name one shared value explicitly. Choose the strongest overlap and claim it together, in plain language: "We value honesty, even when it's uncomfortable." Or: "We value kindness before being right." One shared value, spoken aloud and agreed upon. That's a compass point.
This conversation often surprises people. What we assume our partner values and what they actually hold dear are not always the same thing.
The full guide, Developing Shared Values Together, has several practices for building a shared compass: mapping where our values meet and diverge; negotiating shared values; using values as a compass in decisions and conflict; living values under pressure; weaving values into the fabric of daily life; and more. It also explores where values come from, the difference between assumed and developed values, why value conflicts are among the most important moments in a relationship, and how to work with power dynamics that make one person's values quietly dominate.
A relationship that knows what it stands for can stand through anything. The compass doesn't make hard moments easy. But it gives both of you a reference point that neither of you has to argue for, because you built it together.
If this resonates, we recommend trying …
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Meaning-Making Together
Becoming Ourselves Together
